is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
