when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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