Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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