I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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