if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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