fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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