No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize