she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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