I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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