saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
