I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
