Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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