So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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