haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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