I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
