I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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