He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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