um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My vagina is officially offended.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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