and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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