I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
