I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
