when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
