This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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