does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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