People in love make me want to vomit
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
MIDGETS
????
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
