i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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