dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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