He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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