I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
