I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
