Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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