my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I need to calm my uterus...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
