FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
