I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
