this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
