Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize