He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Randomize
