stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
