I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
