last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He passed out mid-signature
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize