So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
