its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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