I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
