why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
