My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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