I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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