youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
