walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
