I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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