so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
