I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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