if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's rum buckets o'clock
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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