I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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