i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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