i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
