Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
