How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
