i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
