dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
