My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
