There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
